Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
