I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
