I wish I could teleport
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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