I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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