just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
i will never coherently bang her
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
