i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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