Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
