Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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