Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
