I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
