There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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