why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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