New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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