i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Randomize
