and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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