I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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