So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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