Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I'm really busy with my period
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