You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
