Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
