I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
