Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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