dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
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