He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
