I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
