I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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