just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
