Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
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