If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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