a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
