i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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