Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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