I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
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