so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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