I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
How does it feel to date your dad?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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