My liver just broke up with me...
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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