when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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