explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
