So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
