She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Randomize
