So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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