he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
