I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
