Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
