Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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