meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize