just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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