she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
whose ass print is on the piano?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
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