good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
