it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
