You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I forgot wine drunk hurts
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
