my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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