Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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