I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize