but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Randomize
