My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
