Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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