got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
