Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
