ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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