I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
