She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize
